How Do You Do It?
08. Jul, 2009 
0 Comments
I’m working full-time away from home for the first time in 20 years. Prior to moving here to Hawaii, I worked from home freelance, because my daughter’s health required that I be ready to visit the hospital short-or long-term at any time.
Now, we both have the luxury of approximating a “normal” life for a while. There are adjustments.
How in the world do you guys do it?
If I had horses now, I wonder if they would add to the burden or decrease it.
I especially would not be able to accomplish all that YOU do with any kind of presence or moment-to-moment mindfulness. Here’s what I’ve been doing: racing from one task to another after work, trying to get it all done before collapsing onto the sofa at eight or nine o’clock, and then desperately hoping that a second wind doesn’t come just at bedtime, ushering in a night of insomnia.
Multi-tasking is anathema to mindfulness. One thing at a time is the standard method of Buddhism. Pure-hearted focus and attention leaves the mind free to observe its own judgments of arriving and passing phenomena. If you multi-task, you’re on overload.
I would like to believe that the presence of horses and the tasks associated with caring for them would cause a mindful slowing of action and focusing of attention and affection that would alleviate some of the rushing around. Who knows?
I’m wondering: In your busy lives, how does caring for your horses, your families, and doing your jobs all fit into one life? What prevents it all from being too much? Do the horses help? Are there times when you wish someone else would just come and feed and muck? Or maybe feed your kids or husband and let you cry out, “Calgon, take me away!”?
© 2009 enlightened horsemanship through touch and Kim Cox Carneal
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First rule – delegate! My kids have been cooking for themselves since they were old enough to be in the kitchen with supervision. The reason: I let them eat whatever they want, whenever they want as long as it’s good for them – five people, five meals a day…no way should that be anyone’s sole task. Now, it’s pretty streamlined. My vegetarian son makes his own food, and the girls usually make something together or with me or with their dad.
Housework – Five people dirty the house, dirty the clothes…no reason why one person should have the sole responsibility for loading and unloading washers, driers etc. We use a chore list on a daily basis.
Lists, lists, lists and a very good calendar.
Relax your standards. Most people who are very busy do not have magazine standard living spaces. There are piles in places, clothes on the dresser, and shoes in corners…one can always mindfully pick it up on the weekend or when needed. My counter currently has a set of wrenches, a tape player, a box of Godiva chocolate, junk mail, several pens, miscellaneous papers, and note papers on it all of which will get sorted over the next few days, but I am going to go watch a show with my kids. And be in bed by 9:30PM.
You’ll adjust and be just fine. Prioritize, realize what can’t get done and let it go, and try not to take on anything else until you find your balance! Good luck, Kim!
PS : Horses help me, but I work from home, and with them.
Hey Kim! For my last 13 years of teaching, I got up at 5:30 every morning to take care of anywhere from 7-10 horses. That included cleaning all the stalls. I had to start teaching at 7:30 (high school). When I got home from work, I wanted an hour to myself with no interruptions, and then I would go out to do evening chores…come in, make dinner and fall asleep on the couch attempting to watch tv. My husband said I needed vitamins! Like I shouldn’t be tired on that schedule???? I have had horses for about 30 years…most of the time 5 or 6 plus a few boarders over the years. It is my life. I choose to live this way and tho it’s a lot of work, I love it. When our kids were home, one liked horses and the other liked anything but. At 10 and 12 they helped a lot in the barn, but the older one did not have the passion for it. So, she did inside chores. Believe me, any kid who has grown up on a farm knows how to work and take on responsibility! One thing is certain…if your heart is not in it, the work it takes to keep horses can make you nasty!
As for you! I have a feeling you miss your horsey life. BUT, your back, moving and the change in plans regarding your daughter (as well as her health) has changed your focus to something different from the past. You are going with the flow, and will end up adjusting….make sure you allow yourself to have some time to relax and do what YOU want to do.
Hawaii is an amazing place…take advantage.
Sometimes my time at the barn is the only quiet time I have all day. Other times, I really wish the darn horses could feed and muck out themselves.
I’ve been working from home since ’90 and honestly, I don’t think I could fit a commute into my day.
My standards are way relaxed these days, so it isn’t the house work getting in the way, either!
Wendy
Your advice about prioritizing is great. I’ve come to realize that there’s not much that’s a real priority anymore except maybe having a decent meal at the end of the day together with my daughter. Who cares if somethings’ not perfectly spotless? Loosening the standards…YAY!
When I worked full time in the barn, I had my daughter with me, and that was literally where we spent every waking hour. The division between house and barn was complete–and the house was spotless, mostly because no one really lived there!
It’s easy to be impeccable when there is no one to drop crumbs on the floor. We saved all our bad habits for the barn where they could be swept away at the end of the day with the hoof trimmings and hay bits.
I am a huge fan of lists, so I’m already on that. I think I’ll make a list of the standards I no longer will hold to.
Lori
Honestly—you sound like superwoman. I don’t know how there is enough energy in the world!
I DO miss my horsey life very much. It’s an ache.
Liz
I understand about the quiet time. I treasured that silence, punctuated by the sound of munching, tail swishing, nickering and other horsey sounds.
And I agree–if horses and kids could feed and muck themselves on demand, it would be so much more fun when we choose to do it for them!
Working from home is the BEST ever. I love it, and though I enjoy going to Linda’s every day and it isthe next best thing, I wish I could take my chair and my desktop computer and my pets. Then it would be even better than home.
I am TRYING to make a life where I can at least work only part time at my “day job.” That is why I started the horse-workshop, blog. I have another “intellectual” home-job, too, which is working as an integral theorist – I am an associate editor of Integral Review Journal (http://integral-review.org) and have started a blog-website called integral review of books — here at wordpress (http://integralreviewofbooks.wordpress.com)
I find it takes amazing amount of energy to fit everything in. But there are two types of “work” – the kind that saps your energy (even if you’re ‘just’ sitting at a desk all day) and the kind that creates or multiplies the energy you give it (like, for me, being with, taking care of the horses, doing horse clinics, reading and writing what I care about and am interested in).
I always thought that the true goal in life woulld be to be able to spend most of one’s time at the latter kind of work. From an energy perspective… just think about receiving twice, three-fold the energy (love, care, mindfulness) that you are putting forth.
Unfortunately, I have been as yet unable to make the break — but I have been fortunate to have help around here. You are SO right to mention that horse care is yucky if you don’t love it. At first I was the only one who took care of the horses — I did not want to expect my partner to do it, since he had very little affection for them at first — even though he had much more home time than me, as an independent contractor.
Eventually, the horses spoke to him, and now he prefers to take care of them. And I have an “apprentice” living in the apartment this summer who takes care of the horses in the morning — I needed some extra help since I had surgery this spring.
Helping hands — one certainly cannot be an island if one wants to care for/ live with many horses (we have 8 of them).
So, good luck to you Kim. You will do well BECAUSE you are observant and mindful. Don’t ever get yourself into a position of needing your boss more than he needs you. Keep the balance/ leverage on your side.
And at work– keep all the psycho drama of the task on other people’s plate. Like a happy dog, just work on the bones you’ve been given, and make them shine with the skill you have.
Bonnitta
It never gets all done around here – not in a single day. But if I change my view to take in the entire week, most of what I want to happen, does.
Of course we all get fed every day, and stalls get cleaned out. The kitchen gets cleaned and some laundry gets done.
But most days there are chores needing to be done at any given moment, and I have to let go of the concept of “all” and of the “completed” to do list. It’s more like a revolving Rolodex that never ends.
I refuse to do chores if it means I’m NOT doing the other things I truly want to do – writing, yoga, riding, being with my family, etc.
Awhile back I had an awakening about the to do list. I always have one, and it never gets completed. I’m comfortable with that. But I often got frustrated with things that never seemed to get done – they weren’t quite important enough to be at the top, and even when they rotated up the list, something would always come up that had to be prioritized.
One such item was to clean up the brush pile in our side yard. It’s the place we put trimmings and branches not suitable for firewood, etc. It had gotten quite tall and was a bit messy looking. I wanted it taken care of. But it was a chore that was going to take a lot of time, while not being very pressing. So it kept not getting done.
For about a year. One day I was determined to get to it, so I went out to assess how long it would take. Imagine my surprise – the brush pile had mulched itself down to almost nothing! I just hadn’t noticed it. The next spring a beautiful new butterfly bush emerged there, and a few other nice things came up. So it’s no longer the place for the brush pile!
I haven’t yet found a way to create alchemy with dust, but I’m working on it.
The only way to do it (IMO) if you have a family is to have support from them. I see way too many women fail with their horses becauses spouses or children (at home or grown) are always competiting with the horses. If they don’t feel your “hobby” is important then it won’t work out – either the horses won’t be in your life, or you’ll get divorced.
The other problem that employed riders do is they pick a horse that is inappropriate. For example, they pick a young, untrained horse when they can only come to the barn twice a week – a recipe for disaster!
Picking the right horse partner in temperment and training, and then picking the right home where he gets turnout and exercise when you can’t make it (either by paying for others to train, ride, co-lease etc…) is the only way to go for the full-time, employed rider who can only be with their horse 2-4 x a week, 1-2 hours a time.
In the beginning, I was self-employed but we both decided they needed me so my life evolved to Girl Scout Leader and advocate for my son (as you know he is ADHD). When I went back to work for the Monsters (my former barn manager owners), I worked myself into the ground and we all realized that our home life was suffering too much, so I pulled out.
Balancing all the important things in your life has to be done – that’s human and horse relationships, employment, hobbies, and your own nurturing.
None of that would be possible if my husband wasn’t fully involved and supportive.
List, prioritizing and most important for you is setting realistic expectations for deliverables. This means you push back and say, x will be available on xxx date as opposed to saying yes to everything and killing yourself to deliver.
You must train your internal client to understand project management and scheduling. You may want to look back on the kinds of jobs you have been doing, analyze the time it takes to do properly and provide internal client with schedule guidelines for same kinds of jobs.
Quality and strategy suffer when anyone never mind you is overloaded with too much work. And, to live in Hawaii as you would in NY is insane, this is the place for Balance. Dont be devored. Push back.
Kim,
“I would like to believe that the presence of horses and the tasks associated with caring for them would cause a mindful slowing of action and focusing of attention and affection that would alleviate some of the rushing around. Who knows?”
Yes, yes and YES!! Sometimes these are my only peaceful moments of the day.
Eileen
Trying to enjoy the activities is a good thing – it’s far better to enjoy what one does with a horse, have work that is stimulating, and so on.
Putting one horse out on loan was a good choice – now I can afford to pay someone to muck out the remaining horse on weekdays, which means that I am not forever trying to rush away from work, nor driving a 20 mile round trip to the barn nightly other than when I want to ride.
Using every moment helps. Since I managed to get a 3G card for my laptop, I can get some work done on the train (40 minutes each way) which reduces the time that I need to be in the office.
Some things fall by the wayside. I never watch television – no time for that!
And I just get used to being tired, drinking coffee to get through work some days, grabbing scraps of sleep here and there, anything to get by sometimes.
Knowing when not to ride owing to tiredness is a good thing!
The house can be a mess at times too, at least my parts of it! Relaxing standards can be a necessity.
billie
A longer term on the goals is a great way to re-focus things. But not too long. A week sounds ideal.
And you’re right–chores should not take priority over anything that improves the quality of life.
I love your story about the self-composting brush pile that produced a butterfly bush. Now if only all those socks behind the dryer would turn into something fabulous. Say, some warm weather riding gear, or a Hawaiian horse?
horseideology
One thing I do not have is supportive family, or a support system of any kind. I am the sole support for my daughter and that takes up more time and emotional energy than I can say.
You know and I know that the life of a warrior mother/advocate is a full-time job in and of itself. Finding the emotional space for yourself is as hard as finding time alone. You are lucky to have a supportive husband!
Your comments about choosing the right horse are dead on! Why do so many people make this mistake? Are they advised poorly? Do they have mistaken ideas about their abilities? Do they just have no clue? I also don’t understand how people can think that you don’t have to see your horses at the very least three times a week. Five to six times (if you board out) is better. Riding makes a rider better, and nothing else. I learned this the hard way.
Balance: if you can get it, I guess the lesson is not to lose it.
Caroline
Now how would you know that I say yes to everything? Eh?
I actually have ben setting completion time limits, and it has been wonderful. Now if I can just get a little time to work at home, I could get more done, faster, and have a little more time to do some fun things like go to the beach….which is also extremely balancing.
Hi Eileen!
How are our babies?
Please tell us more about how they engender peace in your day.
whp,
Leasing out a horse–great idea! You get to enjoy the company of the horse and someone else gets all the financial and work load!
Train time is always such a waste unless you can use it to your advantage. I was always torn: meditate or work? So I split the time: 3 days a week, work; two days, meditate. Glad you are getting 40 minutes’ worth of work done!
TV is a terrible waste of time, energy and concentration. Kill your TV!
I’m all for relaxing standards, up to a point: I’m not a spit and polish person, but neatness is important because visual clutter makes me insane. So if there’s dust, no problem. But stuff all over a table will make me crazy. There: a standard relaxed!
Because you are a giver and over achiever
Glad you are setting limits.
Having my two horses and working on launching my two businesses and getting my cert, I often feel I am neglecting them so i dont know that there is such a thing as being able to manage everything satisfactorily.
My guys are in situation were they get plenty of equine social life and space and good care and I make that enough for me. My dog is another issue completely. I have had to leave him two weeks here, one month there with a good friend, and while she is devoted to him, I feel very guilty and I miss him. So, what I am learning is I can only do the best that I can, and if I truly give it my best shot, then its enough. Not perfect, but enough.
Being accepting of oneself goes a long way towards finding balance, peace and joy.
Your horses are well looked after, that’s for sure. And I know Dash knows he is loved, and where his home is, too. I understand your feelings, though, as I feel the same about my animals.
I miss Ruby more than I can say, and worry every day that she feels abandoned. She was abandoned early in her life by someone else, and that’s how she came to me. How must she feel now? What if she hates it here and can’t adapt to life in a condo?
And my cats…that’s whole different story. I can’t even think about them without crying. Why must there always be something out of balance, I wonder?
Kim – you are in a new place now so this would be a great opportunity to start building that support network.
A support network doesn’t have to be someone who physically comes and cares for your daughter or you – it could be a friend to meet at lunch who you can laugh with; it can be a mentor who shows you a new path; or even a group to go off and knit or make a quilt with (not my thing but ….) – maybe a Yoga or meditation group…
We are making some major changes here about our finances. If it works out, I expect to have some additional spending money next spring and with it I have decided that having someone come deep clean the downstairs 1x a week and having someone mow and care for the lawn 1x a week is something we are going to do as a gift to ourselves.
Is it something we could do? Yes, and we have for many years. But outsourcing these jobs, will free up our time for things we DO want to do such as remodeling the house and traveling on the weekends.
On choosing the wrong horse – people do this because they are not being realistic about their abilities or time. Instead they are being emotional and romantic.
They live in the past when they had much more free time (high school and college) and don’t understand the drain of time on their resources that their current life – job, spouse, boyfriend, children, hobbies, etc… will take on their weekly schedule. Generally, these are the types (someone else mentioned) that over committ and have a long to-do list but never accomplish it all.
Dreamers…
After being married 20 years this September, if I had picked my husband for only his romantic qualities we would have split up many years ago.
Kim – have you ever tried during your meditation time to talk to your kitties? You may be surprised.
Is there no-one with Linda’s group that could go get those kitties on a plane to me!? HMMMMM time for Operation Cat-Nap to go into action…
Bonnitta
Congratulations on your new endeavor! I can’t wait to take a look!
I love that your spouse likes the horses now and will help take care of them. Tamara at the Barb Wire says her husband sneaks kisses when he thinks nobody’s looking. I find that touching.
There is no psychodrama at work. It’s a wonderful place that refreshes my spirit on a daily basis. THe only thing that saps me is the worry that my daughter is unhappy here and can’t seem to do anything about it.
Is that MY bone?
*groan groan groan*
I used to think nothing of getting up at 4:30 am, driving 40 minutes to get in my mile of swimming before work, then ten more minutes to get to work. Work till 6pm, drive hour to barn, work my two horses, finish at about 9:30, drive another 20 minutes to get home. Pull paperwork out of my briefcase, and stay up till midnight planning, working, and getting stuff ready for the next day. Slept on the weekends. I did *nothing* else. But it was exactly what I wanted.
I couldn’t do that now, there’s just no way. That was pre-kids and marriage, so much less responsibility. I’m with you. And I don’t own a horse. How do you guys DO it?
Even not owning horses and a 20 foot commute, I still have to do major time management to be a responsible rider/horseman.
literaryhorse
Your old schedule makes me cringe. I’m remembering something similar on my part when I lived in New Jersey and commuted to NY, taking the 4:30 a.m. train every day because my husband and I had only one car and that was the train he had to take.
I power-walked from Grand Central to my job and happily worked the extra two hours alone in a darkened building. What were we thinking?? I was so happy!
Re the commute, I think you have me beat. I have a 100-yard commute.
horseideology
I send messages to my kitties all the time, but I get nothing back. ;-(
I know they are angry, confused and hurt.
Let’s talk about the cats privately!